If only

If only I could:
– find the right planner
– buy the perfect work bag
– discover the skincare that would stop my face from aging
– get people to stop calling me ‘lady’
– become someone I’ve never been

then, it would all be okay. Those are the stories I tell myself when the entire world is google search away and I can insert my shorter-than-average self into every instagram ad and envision how I would be. Alas, it’s all brilliant lazy marketing campaigns, punching me right in my most vulnerable spot.

I took today off work – I wanted another day to reflect and enjoy and truthfully, I wanted to come back to a shorter week. I enjoyed it: I laughed, I exercised, I went out to dinner, I got drunk on a single margarita and it was fabulous.

Despite the days I took off, and the time I spent reflecting and the miles I thought about running and the ways I envisioned the new year ushering in a whole new me and us and reality, it turns out that time passed and I’m still me and you’re probably still you.

As I said before, I don’t really believe in resolutions. But I believe that today, tomorrow, and maybe some other times, I can try to make better decisions. I can practice the keyboard and work on passion project — because the time is going to pass whether I do or not. I can stop asking you about the weather, or the news or how your stupid meeting was. I can ask you about the last book you read, the last thing that made you laugh, the idea that makes your heart sing.

I’ve had just enough liquid courage to post this, so I’m going to.

Happy New Year, to the same old, new and improved us. Love you, but for real.

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